Where''ve You Been?

It has been so long since I posted that I was reminded of the sad song sung by Kathy Mattea. I loved that song but it always made me cry.

Where've You Been - Kathy Mattea

This last month of my life, I've cried quite a bit. I got a lot of 'bad news' that, on top of my old problems, so overwhelmed me for days I could not think or talk about it without tears. My very caring doctors and nurses who had always seen me in good spirits seemed anxious, not knowing what to do to get the Iva they knew back. Finally, I just told them straight out. 'I need to be able to cry this out and then I'll be fine.' They gave me the space, and I cried it out and prayed it out and now I'm back. This was the hardest battles in maybe ten years.

All five major arteries in my heart were blocked. So far, they have put stents in four of them. My spinal MRI showed neural impingement in part of my lower back. This is what is causing my difficulty in walking which is worsening. It also shows a bulging herniated disk. Of course, I have no kidney function to speak of and am on dialysis. To put it simply, my physical healing is unlikely to be complete. So, I have to learn to live with my problems ... again ... and ever changing or give up. I never give up. Should I, I wonder? Is that what God is waiting for? Must I ask to die to get out of this living torturous existence? Or does He want me to just continue fighting to the end? Sometimes, I wonder, does He even care? I tried looking to the scripture...

Ps 6:5 For in death there is no remembrance of thee: in the grave who shall give thee thanks?

Ps 30:9, "What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth?"

Ps 88:11, "Shall thy loving-kindness be declared in the grave? or thy faithfulness in destruction?"

Isa 38:18, in the language of Hezekiah, "The grave cannot praise thee; death cannot celebrate thee; they that go down into the pit cannot hope for thy truth."

Does not their language in times of despondency and sickness express the feelings which "we" often have now, even with all the light which we possess, and all the hopes which we cherish? Are there not times in the lives of the pious, even though they have a strong prevailing hope of heaven, when the thoughts are fixed on the grave as a dark, gloomy, repulsive prison, and "so" fixed on it as to lose sight of the world beyond? And in such moments does not "life" seem as precious to us, and as desirable, as it did to David, to Hezekiah, or to Job?

Isa 38:18-19. This language implies that David "desired" to praise God, but that he could not hope to do it in the grave

They were all Old Testament scriptures. The New Testament has scriptures about the life beyond the grave, i.e., the Second Coming, Judgment Day, etc. and gives hope to those who are old or severely disabled.

I probably soon will need assisted living and eventually nursing home care unless a heart attack takes me quickly one day. But not today ... I think I am safe for the day, and my fighting spirit is back and my good spirits are also. I appreciate the prayers of my friends.

Lots happened in the last three months. Jayne, Joey, Ben and Kevin had birthdays, all duly celebrated.:) New Year's Eve was great. My own birthday in February was fun. Jayne, her husband, Kevin and Joey are in MI for a year while Ben and Alex remain in Iowa near me, at the Univ. of Iowa. Easter was fairly quiet but I enjoyed it and the candy I received which I ate when no one was looking. There were no untoward circumstances as a result.

Well, I hope I won't have to rant like this again for a while. Not now anyway. I've got 19 movies in my Netflix list to watch. :)

I'd rather think of roses than the grave :) Isn't this a beautiful one?

`` Iva