There are ways that I am unlike most people. While most people are made happier by sunshine, happy songs, and gatherings on holidays, I am just the reverse. My favorite songs are sad songs. On Christmas, my favorite song is 'Blue Christmas' preferably sung by Elvis. It goes, 'I'll have a blue Christmas without you. I'll be so blue thinking about you...' I listen to it over and over, alone. It's not about anyone in particular although there are people I miss of course. My husband Bill, good friend Tom who died two years ago, old friends in Virginia and West Virginia are missed but I've loved the song since childhood.
I do not like to be with people on Christmas or any other holiday except New Year's Eve. I love New Year's Eve, especially at midnight. Mostly I love surviving another year and looking forward to another. I do love life, very much so. My daughter and I exchange gifts, etc. a few days before Christmas and then she has Christmas with her family and I have mine alone, just the way I like it. No gifts, no tree, no lights, just me and a cup of tea and a good TV show or favorite movie on CD. I do NOT feel sad. I feel good. The only thing that would ruin my mood would be the door bell ringing. This year, for the first time, my daughter wants to come to Iowa (she's in Michigan) and bring all four children and her husband for a big feast she is going to cater. I will probably have to take a Xanax or two when all six of them join me in my small apartment just to get through it all. I'm just not used to the company, but we do things for those we love. I can always listen to George Jones singing 'The Grand Tour' after it's all over. Now that's a really sad song.
I also like bad weather. One of the worst punishments I ever received as a child was for standing in the rain in a middle of a bad storm with lightening dancing all around. They had a saying in those days .... 'too dumb to come in from the rain.' :) I am not dumb but I love a storm. Sometimes, my grandmother and I sat on the long wrap-around porch of her home, in a porch swing, with blankets around us as it rained and rained. I loved it. She made us some Sassafrass tea, such a lovely aroma and wonderful taste, the perfect drink to tide one through a perfect storm. This week, the first wet snow of winter hit us here in Iowa. I liked the big wet flakes hitting me in the face. While everyone else was complaining about the cold Iowa winter coming on, I felt wonderful. The only reason I don't stand out in the snow is because I'm rather cold natured and my hands and toes freeze. I do stand at the window and watch it snow, especially at night when the star light catches a twinkle or two on the snowflakes.
I do not totally understand my 'perverse' behavior although I have my thoughts on the cause of it. I love people and I think most people like me, some even love me. I enjoy small social gatherings sometimes, love going to church, love to chat, talk on the phone, write letters, etc. I enjoy the good news in others' lives and wish everyone well. I have always been blessed with many friends. I think deep down I just don't trust 'happy times.' They don't seem to last. I don't believe 'all's well that ends well.' Does it ever end well? Heaven will be a new beginning but death, that's not ending well. I take God's word that 'all things work toward good for those who love the Lord.' Like in most things, I accept His Word. I just haven't seen it in action in that particular instance. Maybe it works for His good or the good of the world. I love the Lord very much but don't like kidney failure, cancer, and a host of other ailments and tragedies. I don't think I really understand the verse. Where is John when I need him? :) Right where he always is, willing to help.
I remember when I was a little girl that my 'spinster' Aunt Aileen used to open her Christmas gifts alone in her room, except for me. I was maybe six or seven. She would not say a word, would give me anything she received that she thought a child would like such as perfume or lacy things or note paper. She would pack up the rest and we'd go have a cup of tea. Hmmmm. Maybe that was the beginning of it. I loved her so much and not just because when she was 18 and I was eight, she gave me 12 boxes of paper dolls that she had saved all her childhood. She also introduced me to Elvis when he was on TV one night when she was 17 and I was seven. She lived with her parents, next door, and she ran into our house yelling, 'Iva Mae, Iva Mae, you've got to come see this gorgeous man singing on TV. You're not going to believe it.' :) What a night that was!
I hope this doesn't depress you. When you have your Thanksgiving or Christmas gala and think of me, think of how happy I will be listening to my sad songs, drinking tea and looking forward to a nice nap ... unless it's snowing, of course, when I will be holding my tea while I stand at the window and watch it snow. :) I am happy and content most of the time. Anyone who knows me well, knows that.
Well, enough of delving into my mind. The holiday season is upon you and I wish you the best Thanksgiving and a very merry Christmas. I hope we have snow in Iowa on Christmas this year.
As always,
Good Morning Iva,
ReplyDeleteI learned something new about you from this blog. You are definitely YOU-nique and I love you that way. I wonder what it is about holidays that arouses our emotions so. I love spending holidays with my family. Right now, since I am away from my family I find that I prefer to do as you do and be alone. However, I would not say that I am happy, just patiently waiting for the day that I can spend them with loved ones again. Having lost my gram and mom around the holidays really threw me for a loop years ago and I found that I did not want to celebrate them. It had become a chore. The first year after they passed, I took my kids to Hawaii for the holidays so we would not have to deal with the emptiness and loss.
lol on coming in out of the rain! I, too, love the rain and thunderstorms. I love walking in the rain. However, I doubt I would stand out in lightning, that scares me. Don't do that anymore! ;) I am so very glad that you have a friend that is always there when you need him. I have one of those too and it means everything to me. Friends like these are gifts from God.
I do pray that your visit with your family on Thanksgiving is a blessing to you. This year I will go to a friend's house for Thanksgiving. It will be, as you say, a love gift for her since she really wants me to come and was happily shocked when I said yes. She knows of my "holiday embargo" and her response let me know that it is what God would want. So, you and I both will be enjoying the blessing of friends and family this holiday.
Have a blessed day,
Elaine \p
You are a very smart cookie. You took a childhood full of rejection, abuse and loneliness and turned it around and made it your own. It may be one of the best 'defense mechanisms' I ever witnessed.
ReplyDeleteYour father and mother deserted you the same week; the next your brothers were taken into another home. Everything you loved was gone in such a short time. You must have been so terrified.
You were abused by foster parents and relatives most of your childhood. You lacked proper clothing. You were not encouraged. I mean, you signed your own straight-A report cards yourself from the second grade on because no one was interested. The first time any of your family visited your school was when you graduated with almost every honor the school had to bestow. They went because of 'appearances' and I wonder if they were surprised at how well you did.
So, I think I understand you. You choose to make the possible sad times happy. You embrace it all and get through it in one piece. I doubt seriously I would have ended up half as good as you if I had been subjected to what you were. You accepted the Lord at an early age and in the way only He can do, you were loved and you thrived despite them all. Right now, I feel all that sadness you had then and wish I could wipe it out but I don't need to. You have done it yourself. I'll call you Christmas Eve and sing 'Blue Christmas' for you. :) Love ya...
Oh, I almost forgot the 'verse.' Romans 8:28
ReplyDeleteWhen we read Rom 8:28 in its context we can give a positive answer to the questions of pain and suffering in the world. We may see nothing good come of misery and disaster in this world, but this world is not all of reality. There is an ‘until’; there is a place beyond the horizon of what our senses can apprehend, and it is more real and more lasting than what we experience in this mortal shell. God is using the present, even the miserable present, to conform us to the image of his Son. If we define the good as only what we can see in this life, then we have missed the whole point of this text. For, as Paul said earlier in the same chapter, “For I consider that our present sufferings cannot even be compared to the glory that will be revealed to us."
Miss Iva, I know that as the verse John quoted the glory you will see and experience in Heaven will be more than the suffering you have had here on earth. I know no one braver, or funnier and certainly none smarter. You were given so much in such a horrible setting. Thank God you were able to persevere.
ReplyDeleteI am one of those who just love you so much. I like the way you write such as 'I do stand at the window and watch it snow, especially at night when the star light catches a twinkle or two on the snowflakes.' Makes it so real to me.
Elaine, I'm sure I will enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday. I just am not used to so many people at once and will have to prepare for it, else my blood pressure and pulse increase too much. When I am calm, I'll be fine. I really enjoy seeing the boys and Jayne always makes me laugh. She is very smart and funny.
ReplyDeleteJohn, my love, no one knows me like you and sometimes I forget just how smart you really are. :) When I see how you love your children, really enjoy being with them and looking after them, I feel so happy for them and realize just how much I did miss. However, I received much that many people never get. I have had a fascinating life filled with wonder, friends and talents and, most of all, my Lord and his loving care.
Thnak you so much, Bette. I love to write. I am mediocre at best but I enjoy it and have since I was about seven when I wrote my first 'poem.' It was about the birth of a cousin. Her mother still has the poem framed (it made the local newspaper). :)
Thank you all for visiting my forum.
Which cousin? And you are not a mediocre writer. You are down to earth and witty and thoughtful. I like your work.
ReplyDelete