Where''ve You Been?

It has been so long since I posted that I was reminded of the sad song sung by Kathy Mattea. I loved that song but it always made me cry.

Where've You Been - Kathy Mattea

This last month of my life, I've cried quite a bit. I got a lot of 'bad news' that, on top of my old problems, so overwhelmed me for days I could not think or talk about it without tears. My very caring doctors and nurses who had always seen me in good spirits seemed anxious, not knowing what to do to get the Iva they knew back. Finally, I just told them straight out. 'I need to be able to cry this out and then I'll be fine.' They gave me the space, and I cried it out and prayed it out and now I'm back. This was the hardest battles in maybe ten years.

All five major arteries in my heart were blocked. So far, they have put stents in four of them. My spinal MRI showed neural impingement in part of my lower back. This is what is causing my difficulty in walking which is worsening. It also shows a bulging herniated disk. Of course, I have no kidney function to speak of and am on dialysis. To put it simply, my physical healing is unlikely to be complete. So, I have to learn to live with my problems ... again ... and ever changing or give up. I never give up. Should I, I wonder? Is that what God is waiting for? Must I ask to die to get out of this living torturous existence? Or does He want me to just continue fighting to the end? Sometimes, I wonder, does He even care? I tried looking to the scripture...

Ps 6:5 For in death there is no remembrance of thee: in the grave who shall give thee thanks?

Ps 30:9, "What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth?"

Ps 88:11, "Shall thy loving-kindness be declared in the grave? or thy faithfulness in destruction?"

Isa 38:18, in the language of Hezekiah, "The grave cannot praise thee; death cannot celebrate thee; they that go down into the pit cannot hope for thy truth."

Does not their language in times of despondency and sickness express the feelings which "we" often have now, even with all the light which we possess, and all the hopes which we cherish? Are there not times in the lives of the pious, even though they have a strong prevailing hope of heaven, when the thoughts are fixed on the grave as a dark, gloomy, repulsive prison, and "so" fixed on it as to lose sight of the world beyond? And in such moments does not "life" seem as precious to us, and as desirable, as it did to David, to Hezekiah, or to Job?

Isa 38:18-19. This language implies that David "desired" to praise God, but that he could not hope to do it in the grave

They were all Old Testament scriptures. The New Testament has scriptures about the life beyond the grave, i.e., the Second Coming, Judgment Day, etc. and gives hope to those who are old or severely disabled.

I probably soon will need assisted living and eventually nursing home care unless a heart attack takes me quickly one day. But not today ... I think I am safe for the day, and my fighting spirit is back and my good spirits are also. I appreciate the prayers of my friends.

Lots happened in the last three months. Jayne, Joey, Ben and Kevin had birthdays, all duly celebrated.:) New Year's Eve was great. My own birthday in February was fun. Jayne, her husband, Kevin and Joey are in MI for a year while Ben and Alex remain in Iowa near me, at the Univ. of Iowa. Easter was fairly quiet but I enjoyed it and the candy I received which I ate when no one was looking. There were no untoward circumstances as a result.

Well, I hope I won't have to rant like this again for a while. Not now anyway. I've got 19 movies in my Netflix list to watch. :)

I'd rather think of roses than the grave :) Isn't this a beautiful one?

`` Iva

Little Old Ladies

I am not the type of neighbor who visits often, chit chats, etc. I have so many hobbies including writing, the piano, crocheting and knitting and music and the internet and I prefer those activities. Today, however, I made an exception. My neighbor in the next apartment invited me for coffee at her place at 2 p.m. She looked nervous asking me and looked lonely and looked hopeful and I just didn't have it in me to say no. So, off I go at 2 p.m. 18 steps to her door, carrying my small oxygen tank. I knocked once and the door swung wide open suddenly. I felt a little bit like a fly entering a spider's nest but I bucked up and stepped in. I always had my tank if I had to protect myself.

The apartment was immaculate with nice old furniture and curtains, knick knacks, etc. popular in the 60's. Her small dining room table was set with a green cloth, a nice Christmasy centerpiece, and 4 plates, cups and saucers (no one but me showed up :( She served 1/4 cup of red jello with tiny cinnamon candies in it, interesting. Pink angel food cake with red icing. A small dish with about 12 nuts on it. Fortunately, nuts are not allowed on a renal diet. Nor is coffee but I cheated and drank about 1/4th cup and had one cashew.



During the conversation, I nearly cracked up. Her hearing aid battery went dead about the same time my oxygen tank ran out of power. I can go about 20 minutes without oxygen but her hearing was gone! She jumped up and got her battery, clearly embarrassed, and I started counting down my minutes without air.

She told me her husband died 10 years ago (as did mine) and that she was lonely and was sorry she had sold her house and moved here (so am I) because her kids never visited. Familiar story of women who've lost their men. She said that I (me) am the youngest woman in the building. She is 84. She has absolutely no hobbies, no interests beyond some TV re-runs. When she asked me what I did, she looked mystified when I mentioned the computer. I told her I'd be glad to teach her how to use one, but she wasn't interested. She'd rather I go with her to McDonald's on Sunday and maybe to Hyvee's (grocery) once in a while. She didn't invite me to her Lutheran church, not being too keen on Baptists. :)

So when my air time ran out, I thanked her for the coffee, cake, jello and nut and made my way home. She thanked me for the candy and trinket I had given her. I promised I would go with her to Hyvee's and McDonald's occasionally. I really don't want to do that any more than she wants to do the computer but I don't have the heart to deny her. She's lonely.

Jas 1:27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself un-spotted from the world.

That means if we have a pure religion, we will visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and will keep ourselves clean from the stains of the world. As a Christian, we cannot just do what pleases us all the time. We are not here alone and we need each other. I am proud of my self sufficiency but I also am a Christian with a heart, and that's a good thing and she may do as much for me as I do for her. Who knows?




I am turning into a hermit and that jello tasted quite good and I'm not suffering over the one cashew nut I ate. :) All silliness aside, I liked her.

I Hear Christmas Songs

I was playing Civilization III on my computer but listening to the TV in the background, ice skating. After a while, I realized the music was Christmas music, the first I've heard this year. I love Christmas music. Two of my favorites, one religious, one secular are these two that follow. John Berry who is singing O Holy Night has eyes like John, just not quite as green and Jon Bon Jovi is such a delight (hmm, he also resembles ...) so I am posting his version of my favorite tune, Blue Christmas. I usually prefer Elvis' version of the song.

O Holy Night by John Berry

Blue Christmas by Jon Bon Jovi

I usually wait until a week or so before Christmas before putting up ornaments, etc., but now I've gone and gotten in the mood. :) Before you know it, I'll be up to my elbows in Nut Bread dough.

Some of the greatest gifts God gave retired people are computers (to stay in touch with friends free), television (to watch the hunk of the month, uh ... I meant movie of the month and enough free time to enjoy both.

I saw all my favorite shows this week on television including The Mentalist with Simon Baker. I was distressed to learn that Simon Baker is thought to be gay by 63% of people although he is married with three kids. I'm not down on gays but I don't lean in that direction. Whatever, he's still good looking and 'hot.' Simon Baker has signed a Mind Blowing $30 Million Contract with Warner Brothers for his role of Patrick Jane on CBS’ Hit Series ‘The Mentalist’. This amount guarantees the Austrailian Actor $430,000 an episode. As if his paycheck is not enough, Baker will also be now credited as Producer when the 5th Season begins. Additionally, he will receive back end profits from Repeat episodes on TNT network. Nice going Mr. Baker (also known as Simon Denney).

Speaking of hot, my latest infatuation is the guy who plays E. J. DeMeara on Days of Our Lives. Whooeeee!

Oh My!

I had a wonderful holiday with my daughter and all four grandsons. First time we've all been together for years and the very first time at my place with Jayne's husband also in attendance. We had a huge dinner. There are enough left overs to feed me for a week or so. My favorite dish was the sweet potato recipe. They all left today but Jayne stopped in and told me good bye. The three older boys will go back to Iowa City soon, they go to the university there. We'll probably get together again at Christmas.

I don't know what caused Jayne's change of heart but believe God answered my prayers, been praying for years to heal our relationship. John's post today reminded me that we have to wait for God's time for His timing and purposes are correct.

Bible, Books and Brides

Jayne took some good photos. She will unload them from her camera and send them to me by eMail. I'll post some later. I was happy to see that I look so much better physically. This time last year, I was at death's door and started my dialysis. I was very overwhelmed at first and I've had five surgeries and two pneumonias in the past year but here I still am. :) Praise God from whom all blessings flow. And, thank you to so many dear friends who prayed for me and encouraged me. John, I don't think I could have done it without your encouragement. You all have no idea how you helped me hold on. Thank you much.

And, as always,

God Answers Prayers

Most of my life, I have prayed every day. I was taught that to 'pray without ceasing' as we are told in the New Testament to do is to pray every day, at least once. The only days I have not prayed were when I was sick and unconscious and I wonder if I didn't do it in my altered state since I was so used to doing so. :) I try not to pray for trivial things for myself but sometimes I do feel like the 'fiddler on the roof,' who sang 'Wish I Were a Rich Man.' As he said, would it be against some mighty plan to let me have wealth? :) I have never prayed for wealth. I do pray for health sometimes. He did say we could bring our cares to Him in prayer along with our worship of Him and intercessory prayer for others, etc.

For many years, I have prayed for a better relationship with my daughter, Jayne. She was not any trouble to raise, made good grades, never got into any kind of trouble and her reputation was spotless. But, she didn't like me much and I never could figure out why not. I tried and think I was a good mother, not perfect but not bad. I just didn't know. So, year in and year out, I prayed. In the meantime, I tried my best not to bother her or her husband and I never interfered in how she raised her kids or any other way that I can recall.

Recently, she moved to Michigan which left me alone in Davenport as my older grandsons are in college in Iowa City, Iowa, all but one who is with her. My sweet Kevin. Here he is, praying with his guitar. :) Jayne and her husband are not believers but she allowed me to church the boys as they grew up. When I was still able to go to church, I took the boys with me, and the older ones were baptized in my church when they were younger. Kevin has been attending a private Catholic school, and he likes it.




Back to prayer... since they moved to Michigan, Jayne has called me often. She is coming to Davenport as are the older boys for two days next week to celebrate Thanksgiving for me. This is a big change. Her husband has never sat down in my home, ever, before, much less eat a meal with me. She is going to cater the bigger portion of it, supply the larger table we will need for three adults and four children.

Lately, she has told me that she appreciated all that I did for her and how difficult it must have been at times, when her father was gone or when I was sick or had to travel for work.

At first, I almost didn't believe it could be true. I waited for her to call back and say, 'not going to happen, it was a joke.' See, I was so used to praying for it not really believing and no wonder my prayer was not answered for so long. When we pray, we must have faith, believing He will do what is best for us. In the long wait, I didn't always have faith and really never believed, after so many years, that it would happen. I think she will be here next week and I believe what she said to me was sincere. God has answered my prayer.

I wonder now how many other prayers I have prayed without having a strong enough faith. I have asked the Lord to forgive me for my sinfulness and I will try to be faithful and grateful when I pray. I still pray every day though and most of the prayers are not for me so I believe He heard those prayers and answered them sooner.

One of the preachers in my youth said one time that God shakes us out like corn being husked to get our attention. :) Well, He shook me for years. lol I will be so happy if she comes and all goes well. I believe she will. Something or Someone has changed her heart.

I hope you and yours have a great Thanksgiving with those you love. And, as always,

Sad Songs and Thunderstorms

There are ways that I am unlike most people. While most people are made happier by sunshine, happy songs, and gatherings on holidays, I am just the reverse. My favorite songs are sad songs. On Christmas, my favorite song is 'Blue Christmas' preferably sung by Elvis. It goes, 'I'll have a blue Christmas without you. I'll be so blue thinking about you...' I listen to it over and over, alone. It's not about anyone in particular although there are people I miss of course. My husband Bill, good friend Tom who died two years ago, old friends in Virginia and West Virginia are missed but I've loved the song since childhood.

I do not like to be with people on Christmas or any other holiday except New Year's Eve. I love New Year's Eve, especially at midnight. Mostly I love surviving another year and looking forward to another. I do love life, very much so. My daughter and I exchange gifts, etc. a few days before Christmas and then she has Christmas with her family and I have mine alone, just the way I like it. No gifts, no tree, no lights, just me and a cup of tea and a good TV show or favorite movie on CD. I do NOT feel sad. I feel good. The only thing that would ruin my mood would be the door bell ringing. This year, for the first time, my daughter wants to come to Iowa (she's in Michigan) and bring all four children and her husband for a big feast she is going to cater. I will probably have to take a Xanax or two when all six of them join me in my small apartment just to get through it all. I'm just not used to the company, but we do things for those we love. I can always listen to George Jones singing 'The Grand Tour' after it's all over. Now that's a really sad song.

I also like bad weather. One of the worst punishments I ever received as a child was for standing in the rain in a middle of a bad storm with lightening dancing all around. They had a saying in those days .... 'too dumb to come in from the rain.' :) I am not dumb but I love a storm. Sometimes, my grandmother and I sat on the long wrap-around porch of her home, in a porch swing, with blankets around us as it rained and rained. I loved it. She made us some Sassafrass tea, such a lovely aroma and wonderful taste, the perfect drink to tide one through a perfect storm. This week, the first wet snow of winter hit us here in Iowa. I liked the big wet flakes hitting me in the face. While everyone else was complaining about the cold Iowa winter coming on, I felt wonderful. The only reason I don't stand out in the snow is because I'm rather cold natured and my hands and toes freeze. I do stand at the window and watch it snow, especially at night when the star light catches a twinkle or two on the snowflakes.






I do not totally understand my 'perverse' behavior although I have my thoughts on the cause of it. I love people and I think most people like me, some even love me. I enjoy small social gatherings sometimes, love going to church, love to chat, talk on the phone, write letters, etc. I enjoy the good news in others' lives and wish everyone well. I have always been blessed with many friends. I think deep down I just don't trust 'happy times.' They don't seem to last. I don't believe 'all's well that ends well.' Does it ever end well? Heaven will be a new beginning but death, that's not ending well. I take God's word that 'all things work toward good for those who love the Lord.' Like in most things, I accept His Word. I just haven't seen it in action in that particular instance. Maybe it works for His good or the good of the world. I love the Lord very much but don't like kidney failure, cancer, and a host of other ailments and tragedies. I don't think I really understand the verse. Where is John when I need him? :) Right where he always is, willing to help.

I remember when I was a little girl that my 'spinster' Aunt Aileen used to open her Christmas gifts alone in her room, except for me. I was maybe six or seven. She would not say a word, would give me anything she received that she thought a child would like such as perfume or lacy things or note paper. She would pack up the rest and we'd go have a cup of tea. Hmmmm. Maybe that was the beginning of it. I loved her so much and not just because when she was 18 and I was eight, she gave me 12 boxes of paper dolls that she had saved all her childhood. She also introduced me to Elvis when he was on TV one night when she was 17 and I was seven. She lived with her parents, next door, and she ran into our house yelling, 'Iva Mae, Iva Mae, you've got to come see this gorgeous man singing on TV. You're not going to believe it.' :) What a night that was!

I hope this doesn't depress you. When you have your Thanksgiving or Christmas gala and think of me, think of how happy I will be listening to my sad songs, drinking tea and looking forward to a nice nap ... unless it's snowing, of course, when I will be holding my tea while I stand at the window and watch it snow. :) I am happy and content most of the time. Anyone who knows me well, knows that.

Well, enough of delving into my mind. The holiday season is upon you and I wish you the best Thanksgiving and a very merry Christmas. I hope we have snow in Iowa on Christmas this year.

As always,

Booooo! Are you frightened?

This is Halloween weekend in Iowa. Every state seems to have different dates, seems to me. I have always loved Halloween. There's a weird part of me that enjoys being frightened... somewhat. I like reading scarey stories or about weird or frightening occurrences. Here are a few about...

Strange Deaths!
The “King Who Ate Himself to Death” died in 1771 at the age of 61 from a digestive problem after eating a giant meal consisting of lobster, caviar, sauerkraut, cabbage soup, smoked herring, champagne and 14 servings of his favorite dessert: semla, a bun filled with marzipan and milk. 14???


Homer and Langley Collyer were compulsive hoarders. The two brothers had a fear of throwing anything away and obsessively collected newspapers and other junk in their house. They even set up booby-traps in corridors and doorways to protect against intruders. In 1947, an anonymous tip called that there was a dead body in the Collyer house, and after much initial difficulty getting in, the police found Homer Collyer dead and Langley no where to be found. About two weeks later, after removing nearly 100 tons of garbage from the house, workers found Langley Collyer’s partialy decomposed (and rat-chewed) body just 10 feet away from where they had found his brother. Apparently, Langley had been crawling through tunnels of newspapers to bring food to his paralyzed brother when he set off one of his own booby-traps. Homer died several days later from starvation.

In America there was a mass murder. Policemen went to investigate. Trying not to tread on the bodies, they took pictures of each one. One policemen saw something on the opposite wall but he couldn't
read it. He walks over to it and sees the numbers "7734" in calculator form, written in blood. When taking pictures of this, he turned his camera upside-down and told an approaching police officer. When he pointed with the hand that the camera was in, he accidentally took a picture of the upside-down numbers. He was about to delete the picture when he realized something. The numbers were now a word. The word was "hELL."

Meanwhile ...

I'm expecting a few children of friends for trick or treating. Am making some cookies and popcorn balls but have some store-bought candy for those fearful of home cooked food. After they leave, may re-watch 'Red-rum' or some other frightening movie and have some tea.

Hope you enjoy the weekend and

Glorious Autumn

It is a glorious day in Iowa, in the low 70's at 3 p.m., a mild breeze, a fall-in-the-air kind of feeling when my face wants to look up and seek the sky and my clothing feels just right on my body, not too loose, not too tight, when everything seems so well with my soul. If you can't tell, fall is my favorite time of the year. I look forward to no humidity, no sweltering days. I think of pumpkin pie, Halloween coming up when my little-children friends visit and then on to Thanksgiving. Winter is supposed to be worse this year in Iowa than last, if that is possible, but right now I have autumn to enjoy. :)

I also think of some close friends in autumn, friends who have died and left me behind for now. I wrote this poem a few years ago (copyright 2010) and it has been my most 'popular' poem so far and I also like it best myself. It is in free verse (not rhyming, etc.) Hope you enjoy it.

Always Autumn


It's always autumn when I think of you most,
hunched over in the tan sweater I knitted
with leather patching on the elbows,
reaching almost to your knees.
I never could follow a pattern well.

You would throw out our blanket for our feast,
your knees crunching leaves as you knelt majestically
and patted it into place before anchoring it with a pumpkin
or two and a plate for the cheeses and bread.
You always set a fine looking table.

After all was placed in proper order, you opened the wine.
We touched our glasses and thanked God for another year.
We sat looking at goldenrod sway as gentle winds puffed.
Fields were gold and green as far as we could see.
Your father's beautiful land was always like heaven.

We talked of small things and touched finger tips,
sang old folk songs that made us recall those days
not long past when we met and finally knew we belonged,
that we were not outsiders after all. What joy we had.
Our Father had a plan for us all along in His pattern of things.

I think of you often when the sun shines, when the rains pour,
when the storms howl and when it blows feathery snow.
I think of you when I'm in a crowd, when I'm lonely.
When I'm misunderstood, I crave to hear your voice.
But always, I think of you in autumn.

© Copyright 2010 iva*mae (UN: crankee at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.

While I sometimes think of the past and remember loved ones (so many of mine have died, many dying too young), I do not dwell on the past. I live very much in the present. I do not try to look that far ahead. My plate is full as it is, but I do not dread the future either. Good things happen all the time and I am always excited by news, politics, movies, new finds in archeology, new insights into the Bible, etc. I am never bored -- really, never bored.

I do not dwell on days now gone,

"I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future." --Jeffrey R. Holland, "The Best Is Yet to Be"

When I do look ahead, some things are scary. Like Rick Perry :) Did you see the last debate? His hair, craggy face and cowboy swagger didn't help him much. He started 'losing' the debate when he said the following (conservatives are all for 'immigration reform.':

“But if you say that we should not educate children who have come into our state for no other reason than that they have been brought there by no fault of their own, I don’t think you have a heart.”

Some commentator said: "Now here is what I know about Republicans and conservatives. They hate being told that they have no heart. They don’t have hearts, but they don’t like being told that they don’t, and I know this to be true because as a liberal progressive I have told them that many times. They don’t like being told that by liberals, but I am willing to bet that they would absolutely hate being told that by one of their own."

I suspect Perry voted for educating immigrant children because so many former immigrants vote but who knows? He doesn't have a heart for prisoners on death row, even those where the slimmest of evidence convicted them. He has allowed so many to die without a hint of remorse, by his own statements. He doesn't have a heart for the millions of people on Social Security (I receive Civil Service retirement but I do have Medicare Part B for a hefty premium) who have no other income.

Well, enough politics today. If we have to have a Republican president, I hope it's Mitt Romney. I do think he is a decent man even if his religious life is skewed. Most of us don't stray from what we are taught as children. If you ever want a good discussion on Mormonism, email me. I've studied it most of my life. The man who tried to destroy my life was a Mormon but I found out his evilness had nothing to do with being Mormon.

I'll leave you this beautiful Sunday with this song. It makes me tremble.

Revelation

As always,