Sad Songs and Thunderstorms

There are ways that I am unlike most people. While most people are made happier by sunshine, happy songs, and gatherings on holidays, I am just the reverse. My favorite songs are sad songs. On Christmas, my favorite song is 'Blue Christmas' preferably sung by Elvis. It goes, 'I'll have a blue Christmas without you. I'll be so blue thinking about you...' I listen to it over and over, alone. It's not about anyone in particular although there are people I miss of course. My husband Bill, good friend Tom who died two years ago, old friends in Virginia and West Virginia are missed but I've loved the song since childhood.

I do not like to be with people on Christmas or any other holiday except New Year's Eve. I love New Year's Eve, especially at midnight. Mostly I love surviving another year and looking forward to another. I do love life, very much so. My daughter and I exchange gifts, etc. a few days before Christmas and then she has Christmas with her family and I have mine alone, just the way I like it. No gifts, no tree, no lights, just me and a cup of tea and a good TV show or favorite movie on CD. I do NOT feel sad. I feel good. The only thing that would ruin my mood would be the door bell ringing. This year, for the first time, my daughter wants to come to Iowa (she's in Michigan) and bring all four children and her husband for a big feast she is going to cater. I will probably have to take a Xanax or two when all six of them join me in my small apartment just to get through it all. I'm just not used to the company, but we do things for those we love. I can always listen to George Jones singing 'The Grand Tour' after it's all over. Now that's a really sad song.

I also like bad weather. One of the worst punishments I ever received as a child was for standing in the rain in a middle of a bad storm with lightening dancing all around. They had a saying in those days .... 'too dumb to come in from the rain.' :) I am not dumb but I love a storm. Sometimes, my grandmother and I sat on the long wrap-around porch of her home, in a porch swing, with blankets around us as it rained and rained. I loved it. She made us some Sassafrass tea, such a lovely aroma and wonderful taste, the perfect drink to tide one through a perfect storm. This week, the first wet snow of winter hit us here in Iowa. I liked the big wet flakes hitting me in the face. While everyone else was complaining about the cold Iowa winter coming on, I felt wonderful. The only reason I don't stand out in the snow is because I'm rather cold natured and my hands and toes freeze. I do stand at the window and watch it snow, especially at night when the star light catches a twinkle or two on the snowflakes.






I do not totally understand my 'perverse' behavior although I have my thoughts on the cause of it. I love people and I think most people like me, some even love me. I enjoy small social gatherings sometimes, love going to church, love to chat, talk on the phone, write letters, etc. I enjoy the good news in others' lives and wish everyone well. I have always been blessed with many friends. I think deep down I just don't trust 'happy times.' They don't seem to last. I don't believe 'all's well that ends well.' Does it ever end well? Heaven will be a new beginning but death, that's not ending well. I take God's word that 'all things work toward good for those who love the Lord.' Like in most things, I accept His Word. I just haven't seen it in action in that particular instance. Maybe it works for His good or the good of the world. I love the Lord very much but don't like kidney failure, cancer, and a host of other ailments and tragedies. I don't think I really understand the verse. Where is John when I need him? :) Right where he always is, willing to help.

I remember when I was a little girl that my 'spinster' Aunt Aileen used to open her Christmas gifts alone in her room, except for me. I was maybe six or seven. She would not say a word, would give me anything she received that she thought a child would like such as perfume or lacy things or note paper. She would pack up the rest and we'd go have a cup of tea. Hmmmm. Maybe that was the beginning of it. I loved her so much and not just because when she was 18 and I was eight, she gave me 12 boxes of paper dolls that she had saved all her childhood. She also introduced me to Elvis when he was on TV one night when she was 17 and I was seven. She lived with her parents, next door, and she ran into our house yelling, 'Iva Mae, Iva Mae, you've got to come see this gorgeous man singing on TV. You're not going to believe it.' :) What a night that was!

I hope this doesn't depress you. When you have your Thanksgiving or Christmas gala and think of me, think of how happy I will be listening to my sad songs, drinking tea and looking forward to a nice nap ... unless it's snowing, of course, when I will be holding my tea while I stand at the window and watch it snow. :) I am happy and content most of the time. Anyone who knows me well, knows that.

Well, enough of delving into my mind. The holiday season is upon you and I wish you the best Thanksgiving and a very merry Christmas. I hope we have snow in Iowa on Christmas this year.

As always,

Booooo! Are you frightened?

This is Halloween weekend in Iowa. Every state seems to have different dates, seems to me. I have always loved Halloween. There's a weird part of me that enjoys being frightened... somewhat. I like reading scarey stories or about weird or frightening occurrences. Here are a few about...

Strange Deaths!
The “King Who Ate Himself to Death” died in 1771 at the age of 61 from a digestive problem after eating a giant meal consisting of lobster, caviar, sauerkraut, cabbage soup, smoked herring, champagne and 14 servings of his favorite dessert: semla, a bun filled with marzipan and milk. 14???


Homer and Langley Collyer were compulsive hoarders. The two brothers had a fear of throwing anything away and obsessively collected newspapers and other junk in their house. They even set up booby-traps in corridors and doorways to protect against intruders. In 1947, an anonymous tip called that there was a dead body in the Collyer house, and after much initial difficulty getting in, the police found Homer Collyer dead and Langley no where to be found. About two weeks later, after removing nearly 100 tons of garbage from the house, workers found Langley Collyer’s partialy decomposed (and rat-chewed) body just 10 feet away from where they had found his brother. Apparently, Langley had been crawling through tunnels of newspapers to bring food to his paralyzed brother when he set off one of his own booby-traps. Homer died several days later from starvation.

In America there was a mass murder. Policemen went to investigate. Trying not to tread on the bodies, they took pictures of each one. One policemen saw something on the opposite wall but he couldn't
read it. He walks over to it and sees the numbers "7734" in calculator form, written in blood. When taking pictures of this, he turned his camera upside-down and told an approaching police officer. When he pointed with the hand that the camera was in, he accidentally took a picture of the upside-down numbers. He was about to delete the picture when he realized something. The numbers were now a word. The word was "hELL."

Meanwhile ...

I'm expecting a few children of friends for trick or treating. Am making some cookies and popcorn balls but have some store-bought candy for those fearful of home cooked food. After they leave, may re-watch 'Red-rum' or some other frightening movie and have some tea.

Hope you enjoy the weekend and

Glorious Autumn

It is a glorious day in Iowa, in the low 70's at 3 p.m., a mild breeze, a fall-in-the-air kind of feeling when my face wants to look up and seek the sky and my clothing feels just right on my body, not too loose, not too tight, when everything seems so well with my soul. If you can't tell, fall is my favorite time of the year. I look forward to no humidity, no sweltering days. I think of pumpkin pie, Halloween coming up when my little-children friends visit and then on to Thanksgiving. Winter is supposed to be worse this year in Iowa than last, if that is possible, but right now I have autumn to enjoy. :)

I also think of some close friends in autumn, friends who have died and left me behind for now. I wrote this poem a few years ago (copyright 2010) and it has been my most 'popular' poem so far and I also like it best myself. It is in free verse (not rhyming, etc.) Hope you enjoy it.

Always Autumn


It's always autumn when I think of you most,
hunched over in the tan sweater I knitted
with leather patching on the elbows,
reaching almost to your knees.
I never could follow a pattern well.

You would throw out our blanket for our feast,
your knees crunching leaves as you knelt majestically
and patted it into place before anchoring it with a pumpkin
or two and a plate for the cheeses and bread.
You always set a fine looking table.

After all was placed in proper order, you opened the wine.
We touched our glasses and thanked God for another year.
We sat looking at goldenrod sway as gentle winds puffed.
Fields were gold and green as far as we could see.
Your father's beautiful land was always like heaven.

We talked of small things and touched finger tips,
sang old folk songs that made us recall those days
not long past when we met and finally knew we belonged,
that we were not outsiders after all. What joy we had.
Our Father had a plan for us all along in His pattern of things.

I think of you often when the sun shines, when the rains pour,
when the storms howl and when it blows feathery snow.
I think of you when I'm in a crowd, when I'm lonely.
When I'm misunderstood, I crave to hear your voice.
But always, I think of you in autumn.

© Copyright 2010 iva*mae (UN: crankee at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.

While I sometimes think of the past and remember loved ones (so many of mine have died, many dying too young), I do not dwell on the past. I live very much in the present. I do not try to look that far ahead. My plate is full as it is, but I do not dread the future either. Good things happen all the time and I am always excited by news, politics, movies, new finds in archeology, new insights into the Bible, etc. I am never bored -- really, never bored.

I do not dwell on days now gone,

"I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future." --Jeffrey R. Holland, "The Best Is Yet to Be"

When I do look ahead, some things are scary. Like Rick Perry :) Did you see the last debate? His hair, craggy face and cowboy swagger didn't help him much. He started 'losing' the debate when he said the following (conservatives are all for 'immigration reform.':

“But if you say that we should not educate children who have come into our state for no other reason than that they have been brought there by no fault of their own, I don’t think you have a heart.”

Some commentator said: "Now here is what I know about Republicans and conservatives. They hate being told that they have no heart. They don’t have hearts, but they don’t like being told that they don’t, and I know this to be true because as a liberal progressive I have told them that many times. They don’t like being told that by liberals, but I am willing to bet that they would absolutely hate being told that by one of their own."

I suspect Perry voted for educating immigrant children because so many former immigrants vote but who knows? He doesn't have a heart for prisoners on death row, even those where the slimmest of evidence convicted them. He has allowed so many to die without a hint of remorse, by his own statements. He doesn't have a heart for the millions of people on Social Security (I receive Civil Service retirement but I do have Medicare Part B for a hefty premium) who have no other income.

Well, enough politics today. If we have to have a Republican president, I hope it's Mitt Romney. I do think he is a decent man even if his religious life is skewed. Most of us don't stray from what we are taught as children. If you ever want a good discussion on Mormonism, email me. I've studied it most of my life. The man who tried to destroy my life was a Mormon but I found out his evilness had nothing to do with being Mormon.

I'll leave you this beautiful Sunday with this song. It makes me tremble.

Revelation

As always,

And then... they tied her to the railroad tracks

If you're too young to know what the title means, I'll be too depressed to explain. :) Let's just say, to me, it means when a terrible event happens in your life over which you have no control.

When I was a very little girl, I was very outgoing. I could sing and play piano in church by age seven. I was in school talent contests for the first four years I attended school. In second grade, when I was just six, for talent contest, I dressed like a French woman with a tight skirt with a split up the side, high chunky heels, a red top and a dark beret on my head. I sang and danced (on top of a piece of luggage we called 'suit cases' in those days) to this song.

Sentimental Journey

I won. In the third grade, I danced to 'April Showers' with three friends, and we won second place. We danced while twirling paper umbrellas and wearing pink ballerina shoes with white dresses.

April Showers

In the fourth grade, I did a recitation -- the words of Mary, Queen of Scott's before she died. I won second place.

I use to tap dance on top of our dining room table to a song called 'Hadacol Boogie' and friends of the family would throw quarters at my feet.

Hadacol Boogie by Jerry Lee Lewis

I was a happy, smiling, fun-loving kid. Then tragedy struck. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's true. Awful things happened to me and my brothers and life was never the same.

While I continued to play piano and sing at church (with my cousin, Pam and more of an obligation than anything else), I never again entered any contest, became very much an introvert, and very studious. A 'brainy brat' they called me. I graduated second in my class (I did make a short salutatorian speech at graduation but did not look up once). I didn't come out of this 'funk' for many years.

What happened to me wasn't all that unusual but, for me, it was life altering. I've often wondered if it was my 'destiny' or if it was my destiny 'altered.' Was it God's plan or God's plan altered? At the time, I thought that I had to 'take control of things' to avoid another 'incident.' I thought my destiny was in my hands. After all, the Bible said 'we had to choose' our destiny or I thought that was what it said. I believed I had to be ever vigilant, that somehow I had 'allowed' the incident to happen, that it was 'my fault.'

I have learned a lot about life and destiny, mostly that I have little or no control over it all. I think we do make choices and suffer (or enjoy) the consequences of them but ultimate destiny belongs to God. I believe we choose how we react to events. I could have allowed the 'incident' to ruin my life or even have ended my life because of it. Instead, I chose to gather up what was left of me and get on with it, that is, get on with life.

I eventually finished school, went to college, met a great guy, became a mother and lived life as best I could. I never turned my back on God nor did He abandon me. But life was different. Do you think things happen to alter God's plans or were they His plans all along? I find it difficult to believe that He preferred the sad, studious, shy girl to the lively, spirited girl I was but maybe so. What do you think?

Me, in fifth grade. There's a flaw in this photo, I did not have a dent in my forehead although I felt that way sometimes. :) I call this my Franenstein phase. lol

Ecc. 9:11 says "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favor to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all."

This means to me: Happeneth to them all - Every man has what may be called time and space to act in, and opportunity to do a particular work. But in this time and opportunity there is 'incident,' what may fall in; and occurrence, what may meet and frustrate an attempt. These things should be wisely weighed, and seriously balanced; for those four things belong to every human action. While you have time, seek an opportunity to do what is right; but calculate on hinderances and oppositions, because time and opportunity have their incident and occurrence.

My life was different after age ten but no less precious. Ecc. 9:4 says something like 'it is better to be a live dog than a dead lion.' I don't know what my life would have been like without the the 'incident' but it has been worth living. I learned things from what happened that caused me to be much more compassionate, kind and loving than I would have been otherwise. Do I wish I had not had the 'incident?' Yes, if for nothing else but to know how I would have 'turned out.' Perhaps I would have been a vain person with nothing but trifles accomplished. Perhaps not? I wonder if God will let me know some day.

Back to this world I now occupy, I am content. With what I was given, I believe I've done my best. I have called upon God since I was seven years old and I found Him and He has held me in his loving arms. As Psalm 23 tells me, I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Amen.

Jer. 29:11-13 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

As always,

Beware the Dogs

I was in the book of Isaiah today for my bible study time. I am sure I read this verse before but don't remember having questions of it until today. Isa 56:10 "His watchmen are blind: they are all ignorant, they are all dumb dogs, they cannot bark; sleeping, lying down, loving to slumber" I know that dogs are considered to be rather dirty and lazy in the Old Testament so to call the watchmen dumb dogs is pretty insulting. I believe the worst thing that could happen to one then was to be eaten by dogs. So who are the dumb dogs spoken of here, the actual watchmen of the city or the prophets or who? I assume since it was said they could not bark, they could not 'warn' someone when necessary. I'll have to leave it for another day unless some fellow Bible scholars here can help me out.









I have spent most of the day watching tennis semifinals. Did anyone else watch the Djokavic vs. Federer match? Absolutely a great game. Djokavic pulled it out at the last minute after about four hours of grueling play. I think he's great but I have a thing about tall, thin, aggressive guys anyway. :) He is from Serbia. His interaction with the crowd/audience today was interesting. Their applauding Federer more seemed to bother him until he actually won. Men? Who can understand them?

Other than watch TV like the lazy dogs who do not get their work done, I did make some great spaghetti. Enough for me and froze enough for three more meals for someone. I had some fresh peaches. I had one even though the renal diet forbids almost all fresh fruit. Needs to be cooked to be acceptable. Since my lab work is always pretty good, I chanced one little peach.



I always read Yahoo news every day. They list the important down to the implausible. Today I read of this fellow, a 20-foot 'monster' crocodile captured in the Philippines, weighing about a ton. He is awesome! He apparently is stressed out over the crowds and being captured that he won't eat, but he can go six months without eating. Wish I could.

Some other things in the news... will Hillary run for President since Obama has lost popularity? It could happen. Edward Kennedy ran against Carter when he lost popularity (didn't win). Why aren't blacks defending Obama more and will they turn on him in 2012? How many scandals will be dug up on Rick Perry; one has been found so far. Will Obama's job plans make a difference? Certainly hope so but wonder how much he can do without the Republicans, the 'just say no' crowd. Can he even get a bill through congress?

Well, going to have a cup of tea and watch a little more tennis and then a movie. Definitely a lazy Saturday. Saturday is now my favorite day of the week, no dialysis on the weekends and not as busy a day as Sunday. Hope you are enjoying your weekend and, as always,

Summer Time

Summer time and the living is easy, according to Sam Cooke - Summertime

Today was wonderful here in Iowa, temp in the 70's, nice breeze. I loved it. I was able to go to church today, a new friend taking me. Came home and fixed us some home-made onion rings, the thin kind I like, and some stewed squash, stewed in water, butter, onion diced and a small pinch of nut meg. Salted to taste. It all was wonderful. I am not vegan but I don't eat much meat, some stewed chicken now and then. That was lunch. About 7:30 p.m. made me some berry pancakes. Sometimes breakfast food is so good at night.





During Sunday School, a lady asked 'if God created the universe, who created God.' Our pastor gave the best and simplest answer I've heard so far for this question: He said:

"The universe (including time itself) can be shown to have had a beginning. It is unreasonable to believe something could begin to exist without a cause. The universe therefore requires a cause, just as Genesis 1:1 and Romans 1:20 teach.

God, as creator of time, is outside of time. Since therefore He has no beginning in time, He has always existed, so doesn't need a cause. He just 'is.' We who are trapped/controlled by time have a difficult time believing in 'timeless' existence but it is so."

In the news today, heard this very good news (to me anyway, having 'pain issues' as the young folks say. The medication I receive is very strong and effective but side effects that make life more difficult.

The article said:

"Saliva from humans has yielded a natural painkiller up to six times more powerful than morphine, researchers say. The substance, dubbed opiorphin, may spawn a new generation of natural painkillers that relieve pain as well as morphine but without the addictive and psychological side effects of thetraditional drug. When the researchers injected a pain-inducing chemical into rats'
paws, 1 milligram of opiorphin per kilogram of body weight achieved the same painkilling effect as 3 milligrams of morphine."

They believe they can synthesize the substance and begin to produce pain medicine from it soon. I hope it works... whew.

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A ? for John: How do neurotic narcissists behave and should we avoid them?

As you must notice, my mind goes from one thing to another. I am overwhelmed most days at what I want to know or do and there is not enough time to do it all. :( But I still have tomorrows :) Thanks to God, prayers from loved ones.

At the near ending of this day, may

Nothing Like a Dame!

I was chatting with a good friend and about half way through the conversation, I realized how much fun I had with her, how much she makes me laugh when there's not that much to laugh at, and how she encourages me when I am down. The thought went through my head, 'there's nothing like a dame.' :)

I love men, oh yes I do, and I spend a lot of time trying to appeal to a man. I do have my little bag of tricks and know how to use them. But when I need someone to talk to who really understands, it is most often a woman friend. Men can relate, up to a point, but they never, in my opinion, really understand how a woman feels. I don't think they can. Men and women, after all, are different and especially emotionally. Not saying they don't care, they do. It's that they don't 'feel' things as intensely as a woman and are not as nurturing. It was meant to be this way. This friend I was talking with, I've not known too long but I know what I like in a friend.

I have other close friends, Linda and Brenda, twins, who have been my friends since junior high school. Through thick and then, good times and bad times, we have remained good friends and I still love talking to them.

Here they are at our high school prom, Brenda on the left. They ended up marrying those boys who are brothers, Larry and Bill. Both have had wonderful marriages and are wonderful people. I'm so glad they 'took me in' their fold. Thank you, Lin and Bren, and God. :)


Today was a good day, a non-dialysis day. Slept a little longer, had some wonderful strawberries and real whipped cream for lunch. Did some crocheting. I am making some hats which I will give for Christmas gifts to the nurses at the dialysis center who are so very good to me. I like this pattern, tell me what you think. I call them slouchy hats.

My daughter called me from Michigan. She and her family get to finally move into their new home in Rochester Hts., MI. We had a very good chat. She will send me digital photos of her new home. They met the neighbors and Kevin really likes the family next door who is into all things geeky, computers, gadgets, etc. Kevin is ten now, very bright and just the sweetest boy. The first picture below is one of my favorites. His father works for the 'Arsenal,' (U.S. Army). That's his dad's cap. I do not know why my photos won't center but it's getting on my nerves. John!!!

Hmmm. Maybe I figured it out. lol Forget that yodel call John. lol


This is a photo of Mr. Perry, Republican running for President. He's eating a corn dog. lol Shades of Bush, God help us. Another faux cowboy in the White House. Do we need that? I mean, really?

The weekly battles between Obama who is seeming a bit wimpy and the 'just say NO' Republicans continues this week over the night the President will make his 'jobs' speech. We, Americans, need JOBS. Please, both sides, do something!

Well, enough carrying on for tonight. Hope you have a wonderful weekend, that God whispers in your ear often and that you have peace. :) And, as always...